Behind the Bench is a very insightful column addressing recent sports news, from a true insider’s perspective. Bryan Seachest is very well connected in the sports world, and he considers himself to always have an ear behind the bench, or in the showers.
Anthony “The Bridge” Davis will never forget what he heard as he checked back into the game during Sunday’s Elite 8 victory over the Baylor Bears, minutes after he suffered what looked to be a serious knee injury. The 19 year old true freshman star is well beyond his years. When looking at the young gun, you notice the incredible size that he possesses for a 19 year old, the enormous wingspan of his arms when he extends above the opponent to catch an alley-oop or to block a shot, as his tiny head pails in comparison to the rest of his body. What you notice immediately however, is his very impressive moustache for a 19 year old…and its not just any ordinary stache, this is an eye moustache that looks like that of Burt Reynolds in “Smoky and the Bandit”.
“Kill Bricky!” Baylor coach Scott Drew shouted to his team, who seemed poised to make a potential comeback in Sunday’s battle to get to the Big Easy after Davis had gone out with an injury to his left knee.
“I knew right away what they were saying, because Bricky is a nickname for a monobrow.” Davis went on to explain, “They can call me Bricky all they want, but the only thing bricking were the terrible shots they were forced to take by our suffocating defense. We may have more skill, but the real driving force for our team stems from my strong ass brow beast right hurrr.”
“Goddamn I love that hairy brow slug”, sophomore team leader Terrence Jones said in tears after the game. “Anytime we need to rally, we look at Ant. When he’s focused his eyes get real intense, and his brow furrows, and that thing is like a giant hair bridge that carries our team. He almost look like cross eyed n shit, shit gets kinda scurry!”
Coach Calipari commented during his press conference, “Monobrow, uni-brow, hair slug, bridge, alien head… call him what you want. The guy’s a fucking beast. And I can’t wait to see the Monobrowed Black Dragon Beast slay Pitino’s sorry head in the Final 4. I hate that guy.”
The Hair Bridge that carries the Cats.
Even Baylor player Quincy Acy had to praise young Davis’s brow prowess. “That thing is incredible, there is no defense against it. I’m sitting there staring at it constantly, when trying to take a hook shot, when trying not to touch the thing…it’s a real advantage that he has. I am going to try my hardest to grow one, I don’t care if I get no gash no moe. It’s all about the NBA now for me, the trim will come when I got dough anyways, it don’t matta what I look like.”
It is now reported that all across Kentucky, not only is Anthony Davis the most common name for new born males along with Calipari, but that parents are encouraging young children to comb their eyebrows towards each other, in hopes that the hair links to form the monobrow. Some kids are even getting tattoes of a monobrow or just using a permanent black sharpie to draw one on.
What started as a joke has now turned into a national phenomenon, and Anthony Davis is the only one laughing on his way to New Orleans to win a national championship, and then on his agent’s private jet to become the future #1 overall pick in this years upcoming NBA draft. So when you ask yourself, “Why in the hell doesn’t he shave that thing? Seems like a quick fix…” THINK again.
cross eyed and focused
Amar Goli is a senior editor for Bryan Seachest focusing on sports. He is a die hard Duke and Carolina Panthers fan, growing up in Durham, NC. He writes without bias and is seriously “in the loop” when it comes to getting behind the scenes, under the bench, and in the locker room knowledge of recent sporting events.